Group Handouts and Resources
While I am not currently running groups for family members impacted by a loved one’s alcohol or substance use, here are some of the handouts that have been used in past groups.
Traffic Lights & Communication Skills
Just as it’s helpful to be aware of the traffic lights when driving, being aware of how receptive the other person is in a conversation in any given moment can help us navigate the conversation more effectively.. and with less explosions. When we notice the other person’s receptivity shift, we can adapt our communications skills to better fit where they are in that moment. The more open they are, the more likely they will be able to have a more balanced conversation and potentially hear our thoughts. Starting to see their light turn yellow or red? Slowing down and listening more in that moment becomes key.
What Shamu Taught Me about a Happy Marriage
An informative and humorous article by Amy Sutherland, featured in the Modern Love section of the New York Times, that effectively illustrates the subtle use of reinforcement to encourage different behaviors from our loved ones. Although she may be talking about targeting something as simple as reducing a tirade in the wake of having lost keys, the same principles apply to more complex and potentially difficult situations.
She introduces the ideas of positive reinforcement, competing (or incompatible) behaviors, successive approximations, and least reinforcing scenarios (LRS), in an informative and lighthearted way. If you hear me gushing about an article, it’s probably this one. Definitely worth the 7-minute read.
Language Matters
This short video illustrates the power of language…and its potential effects.
Of course, there isn’t a “right way” to talk about addiction and recovery…one size doesn’t fit all…and some of the words might be helpful at some times for some people and not others. The invitation is to notice language and to start being curious about how it works for you and your loved one!
Here are some questions to explore this more:
As you watch, notice what shows up for you as the video progresses…what happens in your body….what thoughts…images….memories?
How does our language shape our responses?
If you were someone struggling with addictive behavior, how might you feel about the different terms?
If you were a family member who is trying to encouraged your loved one into recovery, which language is more helpful to you?
This video was created by the Center for Motivation and Change….so, once again, Thank you CMC!
Listening Skills: OARS
From the Partner’s 20 Minute Guide by the Center for Motivation and Change: Listening skills to encourage someone else to share more about their experience. A synopsis of the OARS skills to read, and a worksheet to practice with. If you have a different relationship with your loved one, you’re their parent, sibling, friend…that’s okay too…although the situation may look different, the skills themselves are the same.
How to Solve a Problem
When we are stuck while trying to solve a problem our mind will tend to make a few common pitfalls. Sometimes we go too fast, or haven’t really defined what the problem actually is or struggle with a problem that is actually 3 smaller problems, all rolled into one. Sometimes we get stuck in a rut and just try the same solutions over and over again, or we think in black and white terms and can only come up with two solutions (This OR That?). And, sometimes we are try to solve a problem that actually isn’t a problem to be solved…or just might not be OUR problem to be solved.
This tool slows us down, asks us to relate to the problem-solving process a bit differently, encourages us to start reaching outside the box, and gives us permission to try new things.
I think of this problem-solving tool as a machine that I can put a problem into, crank the wheel a few times, and always have something interesting, and very often incredibly useful, come out of the other end.
Perhaps try it with a simpler problem first, to get the hang of it…and then try it out on some more difficult problems.
Some common problems to practice with:
How can I connect with more support…especially during a pandemic?
How can I provide positive reinforcement to my loved one when they are sober (or talking with me calmly…or spending time with the family…or doing schoolwork…or…..)?
How can I help myself to get more sleep?
I know time with my extended family is difficult for my loved one, how can we make it easier for them (and potentially decrease the role of drinking to cope)?
This handout is from the Parent’s 20 Minute Guide by the Center for Motivation and Change. (There is a Partner’s 20 Minute Guide workbook as well. Both use the same problem solving process.) Thank you, CMC!!
Control Circle for Parents
A 3-minute video demonstrating one of my favorites: this is a quick tool to use when feeling stuck, from the perspective of a parent of teens and/or adults, that combines the control circle tool with the wisdom of the "Invitation to Change" model.
I talk a bit fast in this; if it is helpful, you can reduce the video speed by clicking on the gear icon available on the lower right and adjusting the playback speed to 0.75.
Functional Analysis
Any behavior that happens over and over again is being reinforced somehow….meaning doing the behavior either gives pleasure or removes pain…and substance use often does both.
The Functional Analysis (FA), otherwise know as Behavior Analysis (BA), is a tool that helps us look at how behaviors work….and how they make sense to the person who is doing them.
Having a greater understanding of the behavior (substance use or otherwise) helps us:
1) identify what kinds of reinforcement are powerful to our loved one
2) consider what environments or opportunities might compete with the unwanted behavior
3) have compassion for what we are actually asking of our loved one when we ask them to stop using
All of these benefits can be used to encourage a new positive path forward that has a greater chance of actually being interesting and meaningful to our loved one.
If starting right with your loved one’s difficult behaviors is too challenging, that’s okay! Pick a behavior of your own…perhaps something that you’ve wanted to change and haven’t been successful at yet...and practice on that.
Image credit: Vickie Beckwith
Stages of Change
Although the process of change may feel chaotic, there is actual both rhythm and reason to it. Understanding what to expect during the different stages of change allow us to use this information to connect with our loved one’s in ways that encourage the path forward as well as have compassion for them as they travel. This model was originally created by Prochaska and DiClemente and applied to nicotine use, but has been expanded to include all kinds of change.
Some points to keep in mind:
Change doesn’t happen in a straight line.
How we respond can help shift where someone is in the process.
We all learn from past mistakes.
Someone can want change and still fall back into old behaviors. This doesn’t necessarily mean they are lying or in denial…they just may not have enough practice yet.
What stage is your loved one currently in?
What stage are you in right now?